So who would have thought lice of all things would lead to such desire to change my heart?  Last month, when my clothes were taken due to lice, I was awakened to my greed.  I don't want to be greedy you know? Who does? So my quick acceptance of the loss of my clothing really did help me detach from material things, but this community style living was still really bothering me. It bothered me that living communally bothered me. For some reason, this topic hasn't left my mind for almost a month. All I could think to do was to give. Just keep giving what I have and that will make it go away. I came to a realization that it is easy for me to give when I have plenty. When it is on my terms,  I have no problem sharing. But it worried me that now after a tiring 11 months, my true, selfish character was showing.

I've been reading a book called The Heavenly Man, about a Chinese man who has lived an amazing life of service.  Just the things that he went through blow my mind and make me think of all the things I could improve in and how blessed my life is. (let me just say, I don't believe that you have to be heavily persecuted or be in constant trial to be living a life for God) but when you read about these inspirational lives you just can't help but see your faults and want to improve, ya know!

I could just feel myself getting angrier and angrier at this feeling of greed inside me. This is not who I want to be. I then started reading another book by Brennan Manning called Abba's Child. A section that really sank in was this:

"It is helpful to understand that not all human acts proceed from the core of our being. For instance, a husband makes a sincere choice in his marriage vows to love and honor his wife. But one hot summer day he loses his cool and gets into a blistering argument with her. Yet he does not retract his choice, because the anger arises from the periphery of his personality, not from the depths of his soul. The act doesn't touch the heart of his existence or represent a total commitment of his person."                             -Brennan Manning

Reading this helped lessen my anger towards myself. I realize that since I strive to be like Christ my core is His. It looks like Him, sounds like Him and is filled with Him. My mistakes and my sin are not the root of who I am. Another passage I came across just a few pages later helped open my eyes even more.

                "The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ-all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, the very enemy himself-that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness-that I myself am the enemy that must be loved-what then? As a rule, the Christians attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long suffering; we condemn and rage against ourselves unrelentingly. We hide it from the world, we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves." -Carl Jung

This passage has helped me see the unattainable standard that I hold myself to. I don't show myself the same kindness I show others, I don't tell myself that I am beautiful the way I tell others. In my mind, if I know what I should do and how I should act, why should I ever be allowed to mess up? This is a paralyzing mindset that only leads to low self esteem and a constant sense of failure. When I punish myself for mistakes and reward myself for good actions, I in turn look to God in that way as well. When I only love myself when I am doing and acting "perfectly", it turns my relationship with God into a situational reward system. I begin to see my circumstances become based on my behavior, i.e. material and health blessings when I am in a good place with God. It prohibits me from ever understanding unconditional love.

I now see that I need to love on myself more. If I can't love myself, how can I love you? How can I stop trying to impress God with my deeds while also inadvertently inflating my ego when successful? I am in the midst of working through this and truly don't know what will happen as I begin to love myself more, but:

                "As long as we recognize that our salvation is a continual transformation and that we are changing from glory to glory in to the image of Christ, we should not be discouraged by the strongholds we discover; nor will occasional or momentary setbacks render us impotent. As we see our need, we rejoice in knowing it is only a  matter of time before another giant is removed."-Francis Frangipane

So this Easter was interesting. The morning of Good Friday I found out that I had lice and was told to put all of my clothes in trash bags and then put them in the heat to kill all the bugs. So I proceed to put everything that I own into these bags and placed them outside. After about an hour of picking lice from my head I go downstairs to check on the bags and they are gone. I run out into the street and start going through the big bin and they are nowhere to be found. Now first let me say, I haven't spent much money this whole year and I decided to finally buy some clothes in Thailand. I bought some nice dresses and shirts and I was wanting to buy more. I would definitely say that I was getting greedy, thinking about everything I "needed" to get. I also was beginning to be really sick of sharing, the community living wasn't doing it for me anymore.  So with this new attitude and new clothes I find myself rummaging through trash on the side of the road with tears in my eyes. Turns out, many people drive by trash cans looking for things that can be sold. My clothes were nowhere to be found.  So I let myself cry for a minute and went back to picking the lice out of my hair.

That night, there was a service in our house and I came and sat down and listened. I was reminded of all the things that Jesus did for me and the weight of the that day 2000 years ago and then thought about my clothes. How insignificant in comparison‼ Earlier I felt like I was having my own little Job moment and by then I could see how small and trivial it really was. Of course I am going to throw in there that it was also 100 degrees and humid and the ministry was extremely intense so I was running on low anyways. But this incident seemed to revive me. A few girls gave me a bunch of clothes and bought me 2 dresses. Another girl gave me money to go and buy more things even! So when everything was said and done, I ended up with more clothes than I started with and I liked them much more than the ones I previously had! I also realized that I had done a load of laundry so I had a couple shirts left. I found myself wanting to give more. One girl had no socks and I found 3 pairs that I forgot to put in the bags. My first reaction was to give her a pair where as before, I would have probably wanted to hoard them "just incase" I lost one.

I have money saved. I can easily buy more things. Imagine those who lose everything and have no means to get more? I have never experienced Gods provision so immediately and tangibly. Its like this greedy claw in my heart was ripped out like a band aid and it feels good to be free.

Each night we go out to bar ministry, I experience something different. And each time it is intense. My learning curve these days is very steep and it is exhausting. Last night we went to a bar and met the girls we were building relationships with. I was talking with one of the women,(we will call her Becca) taking pictures with her, giving her my soda. I got up briefly to say hi to someone else and when I came back my soda and camera were gone. I went over to where Becca was standing drinking my drink and asked about the camera and she said "I dont know" and brushed me away. Now I was getting nervous because I was using a borrowed camera and I had no idea where to look. A few minutes later, another woman at the bar had it and apologized for Becca who had tried to steal it from me. It broke my heart. It just sobered me up and made me feel that even though I am invested in these women, I am just another tourist to them, a means to get money.

Though I was angry and sad, my initial reaction was excitement to see her again so that I could love her more, spend more time with her and show her that I am still here for friendship. That excites me because not too long ago my initial reaction would be to clam up, be pissed off and want to punch her in the face. I was sitting with a friend earlier this morning and she read me this:

Mary's Prayer

God. O infant-God. Heaven's fairest child. Conceived by the union of divine grace with our disgrace. Sleep well.

Sleep well. Bask in the coolness of this night bright with diamonds. Sleep well, for the heat of anger simmers nearby. Enjoy the silence of the crib, for the noise of confusion rumbles in Your future. Savor the sweet safety of my arms, for a day is soon coming when I cannot protect You.

Rest well, tiny hands. For though You belong to a king, You will touch no satin, own no gold. You will grasp no pen, guide no brush. No, Your tiny hands are reserved for works more precious:

        to touch a leper's open wound,

        to wipe a widow's weary tear,

        to claw the ground of Gethsemane,

Your hands, so tiny, so tender, so white - clutched tonight in an infant's fist. They aren't destined to hold a sceptor nor wave from a palace balcony. They are reserved instead for a Roman spike that will staple them to a Roman cross.

Sleep deeply, tiny eyes. Sleep while You can. For soon the blurriness will clear and You will see the mess we have made of Your world.

        You will see our nakedness, for we cannot hide.

        You will see our selfishness, for we cannot give.

        You will see our pain, for we cannot heal.

O eyes that will see hell's darkest pit and witness her ugly prince...sleep, please sleep; sleep while You can.

Lay still, tiny mouth. Lay still mouth from which eternity will speak.

        Tiny tongue that will soon summon the dead,

        that will define grace,

        that will silence our foolishness.

Rosebud lips - upon which ride a starborn kiss of forgiveness to those who believe You, and of death to those who deny You - lay still.

And tiny feet cupped in the palm of my hand, rest. For many difficult steps lie ahead for You.

        Do You taste the dust of the trails You will travel?

        Do You feel the cold sea water upon which You will walk?

        Do You wrench at the invasion of the nail You will bear?

        Do You fear the steep descent down the spiral staircase into Satan's domain?

Rest, tiny feet. Rest today so that tomorrow You might walk with power. Rest. For millions will follow in Your steps.

And little heart...holy heart...pumping the blood of life through the universe: How many times will we break You?

        You'll be torn by the thorns of our accusations.

        You'll be ravaged by the cancer of our sin.

        You'll be crushed under the weight of Your own sorrow.

        And You'll be pierced by the spear of our rejection.

Yet in that piercing, in that ultimate ripping of muscle and membrane, in that final rush of blood and water, You will find rest. Your hands will be freed, Your eyes will see justice, Your lips will smile, and Your feet will carry You home.

And there You'll find rest again - this time in the embrace of Your father.

This is Mary's prayer over Jesus as a baby and it made me cry. Crying has become very important in my life. I used to hate to cry and it still makes me very uncomfortable but I view it very differently now. Now, if I cry, its because something is being released from me like a hurt or God is touching me and changing me in some way. Crying is healing and it is good. When I read this prayer, it just reminded me of how much Jesus was hurt and burned and cheated and yet he remained loving. I sometimes ask, why the heck am I trying so hard to be vulnerable and open when I am just going to get burned eventually? The only answer I have come up with so far is that when my heart is blocked and calloused, I can't love fully. I can't be genuine and I end up blocking the bad things out along with the good. So I guess with vulnerability the good times are better and the bad times are worse.

And here are some facts. Not statements to pull at your heartstrings or effect your emotions but facts:

When someone steals your jacket and you come to them offering your shirt as well, lives are changed. When someone steals your bread and you come to them offering your drink as well, hearts are softened.  When someone slaps you in the face and you turn to give them a hug, I truly don't know why or how but I know that peace, freedom and love flows.

So here I am at nearing the end of the race with about a month and a half to go. Its been a long and amazing journey and I have learned many things along the way. I am also tired. Tired of community living, tired of the heat and of discussing my feelings.  I am tired of growing and pushing myself, of preaching and teaching. But ya know what? I am not done. God can do sooooo many things in a month and a half, my life could completely change once again. In the past I have experienced a lot of things and I cant say that Ive always finished well. I used to play volleyball in college and right around month 3 of the 4 month season I would be finished. I would check out and go through the motions praying that time would wiz by.

I don't want to do that this time. I want to live every day like it's the first day of the race. I want to push through tiredness and keep fighting to see what God has for me. Funny enough, this month is one of the busiest months Ive had this whole trip. We are doing the bar ministry down town and when we aren't going down town we are doing physical labor, building an extension house to SHE ministries. I have never prayed so much in my life and it has become something that we rely on, not just something to do because we are supposed to. We prayer walk up and down the streets of bars during the day and then go back at night. These places are so dark that when you enter the room, the air literally turns thick and becomes more resistant to walk through, like it becomes water (that's the best way to describe it). You literally need prayer for protection.

During the evening, you walk up and down the street and there are women on poles waiting to be purchased for the evening or week. We have met some sweet girls working at a bar and they tell us about the men that are their "boyfriends". They say that they email with them everyday and that when the men come back to visit they will get together. Its very hard not to judge when you see an old man with a young Thai girl walking with him.  I thought that my heart would break more for these girls in the bars but my heart goes out to these men. Men who think that this is what a relationship looks like. They are looking for someone to love them and think that the attention they get is genuine. I am not a guy and I really don't understand how men need and receive love but I know this is not it. This is a pathetic, heartbreaking alternative. The only love they know is purchased.

As I was walking down a street of bars this afternoon, I had a vision. I saw each of my steps light up the ground with light and then the light slowly disappeared. I thought of when you water a dry flower pot, the water seeps in and if you don't water it enough, it looks like no water has been put in at all. I don't believe that I am personally able to end prostitution or end what is going on in these bars in this city but I do believe that what I am doing is contributing, like water to the pot. Every prayer that goes into those places is watering seeds and I believe that one day, these streets will be saturated and change will happen.

So father, I pray that your love would radiate through this place. That the genuine, real love that you offer us becomes so much more attractive than the glitz and attraction of the blinking lights and blaring music. I pray that every seed planted will grow tenfold and that every heart that desires to break away from this place is given a clear opportunity to an alternative. I pray that these men would be awakened to the fact that what they are paying for is not real and that what they truly seek, the real, actually exists with you.  

So having this blog is teaching me a lot. I have heard many times that God doesn't need you to have it all together in order to come to Him, that you can come exactly as you are but in reality, that is a difficult thing to do. I guess I view this blog a little like that. It can feel like if I haven't had an amazing experience wrapped up nicely in heart touching story then I cant write about it. Hence why I haven't written in a while. So here is a blog of bits that don't flow, so what eh?!?! Such is life :)

-Last month, it was easy to be close to God. There was lots of breakthroughs and good feelings and when those stop it is easy to feel like you are doing something wrong. It is a hard reality that God isn't based on feelings, that progress isn't measured by happiness. 

-My favorite ministry thus far has been the feeding program.  Everyday, sometimes twice a day, we make food and drive out to poor neighborhoods and feed the people.  I cant really express the satisfaction and joy this ministry brings me and it will probably be something I try and do for the rest of my life.

-For Valentines day, we made all the women employees here take the night off and we cooked for them and served them dinner. They even had live entertainment by two squad members, it was awesome. Then later that night we did some karaoke.  It was the best valentines day I have ever had. My focus was completely on the love that I currently receive from other s, not on love I wish I had that turns into bitterness. It was just a day of restfulness where I could just sit and truly see what I have, like Thanksgiving for love.

-The Friday before Valentines day, I went to a program called Samaritana. This program focuses on prostitution outreach and offers them alternative livelihoods. They had a special Valentines day celebration for the women and we were able to go and serve them and play games with them. It was a really good experience for me. It sort of removed all expectations, stigma, ideas about prostitutes.  These women were just completely normal women. If you just met them and weren't told where you were you would have no idea. Does it make sense that I had no expectations but that all my expectations were trampled? Their normalcy took me aback. One woman named Emily was probably the sweetest lady ive met here and her 13 year old daughter Patricia was there too. Patricia made me a bracelet 10 minutes after we met and Emily said I love you about 2 hours into knowing each other.  I definitely love her too.

-We were able to go to an island for 2 days last weekend called White Beach. We stayed in a room on the beach for about 9$ a night. There were tons of trans gender girls on the island too. Its not looked down upon here and can actually be a lucrative position. Gender is a very loose thing here, a lot of gender confusion issues. Families will raise their children to be the gender they want them to be for various reasons. The thing that I saw that bothered me the most was when I would see old white men with young Filipino girls. If you are guessing that my initial reaction to this was a strong desire to punch them in the face, then you would be right.  I have too many things to say about that, I will save it for another time.

-Random fact: when the kids are bad here at school their punishment is to stand out in the sun for a period of time, usually hours.  Interesting.

-I would love some opinions on this.

What would Jesus say? Someone told me about a woman that was in prison for 26 years for killing the man that abused her.  I don't know her details so say there is a woman, being abused physically, verbally, emotionally for years and is trying to stick it out.  Does she continue to stick it out, living out the rest of her life like this? Are these the prosperous plans God has for her life? I was reading Mathew and Jesus talks about not divorcing unless adultery is involved and it talks about turning the other cheek. What would Jesus say to her?

These are peoples lives. Injustice hurts.

-I am also learning a lot about trusting God and I have been awakened to the chasm of lack of trust and faith in my life.  One of my favorite things to do is read and write down quotes so here is one I thought I would share from Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning:

"Like faith and hope, trust cannot be self generated. I cannot simply will myself to trust. What outrageous irony: the one thing that I am responsible for throughout my life I cannot generate. The one thing I need to do I cannot do. But such is the meaning of radical dependence... Why reproach myself for my lack of trust? Why waste time beating myself up for something I cannot effect?....What does lie within my power is paying attention to the faithfulness of Jesus. That's what I am asked to do, pay attention to Jesus throughout my journey."

So as I continue to see the injustice of life and the problems of the world become overwhelming, all I can do is look to God. That's it. That can be so frustrating!!!

That's all I got folks.

I nervously pray, Lord, help me this day to understand what selflessness is. What sacrifice is, what trust is and how to truly forget myself.

Eeeek!!